The last time we saw each other was around May last year. I remember him weighing less then. His new job had been threatening him with one wave of stress after another, and his body succumbed to the punishment. He appeared to have a hard time walking.

I still found him attractive despite the excess pounds, and the characteristic mumbling he had which he passed for normal speech was still charming. I wanted to do more than hold his hand when we met in the cafe, but the awkwardness we left each other last year gave our meeting an air of ambiguity. I wasn't sure if he still liked me.

Of course, lots can change over a year. I didn't know if he had been dating, or if has found someone. I suspect he didn't, as he claimed his job robbed him of every other chance for a regular diversion. We had been physically intimate, those moments being some of the best I've had, but I chose not to bring it up. And, by the end of our one-hour exchange, I left without solid answers.

Last night, I decided to surprise him by dropping by his unit. It was located in a high rise upper-end tower of suites in the heart of the business district. When I got to his unit, he wasn't alone. There were two other guys there, and casual introductions were made. I acted normally despite my twitching innards.

I asked one of the guys, "Are you working?" For certainly, who else could these people be? With hectic schedules and a flight out looming, where can one find the time to meet anyone outside the work circle?

In broken English, the man said that he came from school. True enough, there was a large textbook on the table, which didn't look like anything someone taking a graduate degree would use. This man, based on his appearence and manner of speech, seemed to still be in college. At most, he'd be working on a thesis.

I'd think this man, along with his comapnion, was attractive by Western standards, but I pushed back any suspicion that the American was taking a few more bites off the local cuisine. Like I said, where could he have possibly met these guests? My paranoia was beginning to spark, but I didn't allow it to control me.

So I left, thoughts blank. I was to meet him, the American, the following day for lunch. I knew that the topic won't be brought up, as we've had some sensitive conversations before. It was established last year that he liked me, but didn't want to pursue a relationship because of our geographical divide. And I understood that--we agreed to address our attraction through intimate contact. But as the days went I felt that even his need to satiate his desire for me was fading. Maybe that was the sign I should've paid attention to.

A few hours ago, I messgae him privately over AIM. I just wanted to know if he was still physically attracted to me. Once I know the answer, at least I know where I can place myself. I had thought that he could be a good partner, but what's the use of taking the time to build a relationship when there was none to begin with, and the embers once lit had since faded?

The skeptics have pounced on the Law of Attraction, a lot of them using colorful language and mocking the concept of manifestation. Sometimes I wished that they'd issue their criticisms more objectively. For why would anyone listen to the schoolyard bully?

I hope these naysayers would start by stating what's good about the Law of Attraction, then later state their case against it. A lot of them dismiss it from the onset as total hogwash when, really, the whole idea of feeling good through creative visualizations can be healthy, whether or not those visualizations actually manifest. If they do, then wonderful! If not, then why make a major fuzz over it?

There's one blogger (sorry but I can't find the address) who said it so well. The best thing that could happen is that you get what you want. The worst that could happen is that you felt good going through the process.

And what's wrong with wanting to feel good?

If we were to be Christian about it, we know that if we ask, we shall receive--pretty much in line with the Law of Attraction. However, if through our prayers we do not get what we ask for, we still believe in God. (I've actually used the Law of Attraction to supplement my religious faith; it's helped me pray more powerfully.)

The most successful guidebook to the Law of Attraction has been Rhonda' Byrne's The Secret, even though there have been better books on the subject. I applaud the people behind The Secret for expertly packaging the concept of manifesting into something audiences can grasp. Yes, there's that whole Da Vinci Code sensibility to it, but I choose to put that bit of unoriginality aside.

Critics have slammed The Secret for being a monster of marketing, preying on gullible consumers. But I tell these critics--everything you ever owned is a result of marketing. Every job you have ever had was a result of marketing. Your topic-specific blog is a marketing tool (if it isn't, then please remove those online ads). And your spouse wouldn't have married you if you hadn't "marketed" yourself, even in the most subtle way.

And it doesn't matter if it's a real Law that can be proven through scientific methods. It's not the point. It's a label that fits, a despicable "brand name" that conveniently sticks and is easily remembered.

I will, however, criticize The Secret for making people believe that it's all quick and easy. It isn't. It takes practice to be consistent with it, though it will become second nature like any other habit. If one believes in magic, then he or she should know that mastering magic takes years.

The Secret should be viewed as Step One of a whole range of steps towards achieving a positive and enriching life. The video should be viewed as an introduction, not the complete course. There are many free articles on the Web that can supplement the information provided by The Secret, so it would be ideal for people to continue their research.

The bottom line: whether or not we get what we desire isn't important as far as the Law of Attraction is concerned. What really matters is the process. Thinking positively. Forgiving others. Forgiving yourself. Expressing sincere and heartfelt gratitude. Having an overall healthy outlook. Having faith. With this state of mind, hard work isn't so hard, and getting what you want may be seen as a gargantuan task by others. But to you, it may seem that it's all happening just like that.

Since the release of Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, that self-help guide to achieving everything one desires, polarization of opinions have taken place. One end decries the book as metaphysical fluff, while the other supports the whole "law of attraction" theory.

For those who don't already know, the law of attraction states that whatever you want, you get. Whatever you think about deeply, you attract. The positivity or negativity that persists in your mind will reflect in your daily life. If you want money, just think about receiving money, and the universe will find a way to get it to you. To a lot of people, it sounds hokey. Whatever happend to hard work, dedication, and perseverance?

The Secret not only applies to money. With it, one can attract an ideal relationship, a great job, perfect health, even world peace.

It's not a groundbreaking concept. There are dozens of books out there on the subject,a few even going as far back as the early 20th century (Haanel's The Master Key System, Wattle's The Science of Getting Rich, etc.). They all have their own methods of discussing and teaching the law of attraction, but the basics are fundamentally the same. Recently, the law of attraction is finding a strong link with quantum physics.

Even before I learned about the law of attraction, I'd already been using it. After I hit my 30th birthday, I vowed to myself I'd forever be 26. I've kept that belief in my system, and refused to make comments like "I'm too old for this." I still believe that I'm 26--people tell me that I look like I'm in my late 20s even if I'm chronologically four years short of my 40th birthday.

Personally, I've been working with the law of attraction in earnest for about four years now. I say it works, and it has helped straightened my life out to a great degree. It's not as simple as "think, then receive." There's a whole process behind it, a state of mind that one has to achieve. It's difficult at first, especially if one has a lot of baggage, but eventually it becomes part of the system.

The challenge with the law of attraction is focusing on a specific desire. The moment I realized that it was working in my life, I found myself creating a list of about a dozen things I want then becoming undecided over what I wanted first. I have to teach myself to be patient with this.

Of course, part of the list is the hot, smart, loving, loyal, and wealthy boyfriend. I even wrote up a two-page profile of him. He's been my ideal guy for over a decade, and I admit that the profile I had written falls neatly into the "too good to be true--are you nuts?" category. Maybe that's why I haven't found him yet; it's near impossible statistically. But I believe he's out there, and I'll allow the universe to take her sweet time.

Experts would say that in order for you to find out what your purpose in life is, you would need to determine what you're good at, what you enjoy doing, and what makes you fulfilled--all at a fundamental level.

It's not enough to say, "I really, really love to sing." The key is going deeper: what is it about singing that you love?

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've been ill for the past two days. A fever, nothing serious. But it gave me an opportunity to think again about what my life purpose was. Sadly, I seem to have forgotten it. I know I want to tell stories, to touch lives through my work, to share my insights. But knowing that seems to bring about more questions and open up more avenues to explore.

I find myself confused over what action to take. I only have one life, but there are so many options.
 

I am a Type 7: The Epicure. In simple terms, a Type 7 personality is a jack of many trades, master of none. Seven's thrive on exploring a variety of physical and mental stimuli, and they're able to somehow find the interconnectedness of his various discoveries. He regularly updates himself with what's going on, and is known to be vivacious, energetic and enthusiastic in social settings.

On the downside, seven's tend to be scatterbrained. They may find themselves committing to too many projects and appointments. Relationship-wise, they seek variety. When things start to get uninteresting, they get bored and contemplate moving on.

Thus far, my Enneagram personality fits me like a glove, save perhaps for the 'social settings' part. I'm not generally the life of the party. In fact, I'm quite shy in gatherings where I hardly know anyone.

Earlier tonight, a friend invited me to drop by a party. A theater play just finished its run and the cast and crew were having a customary celebration in a bar/cafe owned by one of the actors. I knew a few people, but it wasn't enough to take me to bubbly, gregarious levels. I was terribly, terribly quiet, and did my best to blend in. Thankfully, one of the senior cast members engaged me in a talk, and that was the highlight of my stay, bless him.

The one aspect of the Type 7 that disturbed me pertained to relationships. I admit, when I get bored, my mind wanders and over half of me ceases to be there. But this is perhaps my death knell when it comes to finding a life partner. My potential partner has to naturally be someone who knows how to keep things interesting for me or give a little surprise now and then, or at least not remain complacent and static in his life. I don't know if that's asking a lot, but I'd like to think that adding some spice every now and then can held keep romance sizzling. If there's nothing new to talk about, explore, learn or share, I wonder where the growth will come from.

Anyway, if you want to learn more about the Enneagram, and go through some tests, click here, here, here, and here. Once you learn more about yourself and your possible faults, you may just find ways to fix them.

Britney Spears' recent behavior clearly indicates that she hasn't quite accepted her good fortune. And to actually call her fortune 'good' is relative; some people may consider worldwide fame a curse.

By going bald and saying that she doesn't want people sticking things into her hair, she has unwittingly issued a cry of desparation to be left alone. By shaving off her locks, she's trying to put up a stronger shield. By getting tattoos, she's trying to put on a disfiguring mask. It's like her saying, "This isn't the 'me' you want, media."

Unfortunately, it's this sudden shift of identity that media craves for, especially from one formerly known as the pop princess. While she was in the tattoo parlor, soon after she did her own hairdo in a nearby salon, television cameras peered predator-like through the windows. And the gullible world, likewise, wanted to know what Britney was up to this time.

Britney is clearly unprepared for global stardom, and the effects on her psyche are beginning to take their toll. Because she fell under the limelight at an early age, her view of the world became far removed from what the common young Jane experienced. It might have been a thrill for her at some point, being the popular girl and all, but later on she may have felt she'd been robbed and her maturing mind desparately needed something she wanted to call hers--her own life. Despite her millions, privacy became a luxury she couldn't afford, whereas everyone else could have it whenever they wanted to.

The best thing that she could do right now is to lie low and not do anything that could attract attention. Why fight the notorious sytem that aided her rise to fame? She could attempt to do what other people do, practically make her life unexciting to media. Not everyone will go away, but most will. She's already wealthy as it is, so going on a retreat could help her put things in perspective.

More importantly, she should own her actions and not rely on a publicist to cover things up for her. Her fame was her decision in the first place, and accepting the consequences of that decision is the first step to her getting a semblance of normalcy.

The Dear Lord knows I try my best to be diligent at the gym. There was a time I'd spend close to two hours doing my muscle-building routine. Recentlly, I've brought my total workout time to just under 90 minutes while gradually increasing intensity. 90 minutes is still lengthy, but it's as far as I can go if I want the results I look for.

But the manufacturers of the ROM (Range of Motion) Trainer boasts of a workout duration of four minutes, which is shorter than your common coffee break. The oddly-shaped machine has two stations--one for the upper body and one for the lower body--which allows the user continuous resistance throughout while covering the body's range of motion. The manufacturer, who's been selling the ROM for over 15 years, claims that one workout can help the body burn over 400 calories through the course of a day.

Health experts have debunked this claim, and I wonder if anyone can get a major workout in just four minutes. Time magazine's Michael Lemonick tried the machine and reported that his "heart was pounding" and that his "muscles felt like lead.

"I thought I was going to faint. I had certainly got a workout," he continues.

This has gotten me curious, but the machine costs nearly US$15,000.  A few ROM workout centers have sprung up in recent years where people can do their four-minuter on a paid membership basis, so perhaps there's some truth to this exercise miracle.

However, I wish the manufacturer would fix their website. It looks like a scam site.

I've been smoking for over ten years, with an average of a pack a day. I've decided to quit.

I'm going to try to quit cold turkey, beginning the first of March. From now until that day, I will smoke less and less each day.

I admit that I started smoking to compensate for my lack of social skills. Where I worked then, most of the more popular employees smoked, so I figured that I could ease my way into their lives by joining them during smoking breaks since I didn't have a lot of conversational skills.

Also, smoking has been a means to relieve whatever episodes of stress I felt over the years.

But my social skills have improved, and I've been doing other healthier stress-relief activities, so my practical need for smoking has become...well...impractical. Also, the physiological damage is becoming more apparent, and I believe my self-esteem has improved well enough for me to kick the habit.

Another source of inspiration: my friend has been successful at quitting. After five months since she stopped, she looks lovelier and fresher. Vanity is not a suit I wear like my other gay friends, but improved looks would be a great bonus to licking the smoking habit.

Also, I want to get my singing voice back.

The question: why quit gradually and not cold turkey now?

I admit that I've become addicted to the nicotine, so I have to address that reality. Today, I experimented by smoking less. I pegged seven for today, and already I feel heavy in the head. I will ease out more over the next couple of weeks, smoking less sticks each time. By the first of March, quitting cold turkey should be easier.

Wish me luck. Oh, please do.

I call myself Happy And Gay, because that pretty much describes me. I'm happy in general, and I'm gay for sure. I may not be how others may define gay, but I don't want to change just to fit the mold.

Being happy, however, requires a lot of work to maintain. Because, as they say, happiness is indeed a state of mind. Enough about blaming the past or sulking over regrets and mistakes. Moving on is about going beyond the past--how can we move forward if we've got a part of ourselves glued to what's done and over with? Not only is it impractical, but it's also immobilizing.

Take, for instance, a while ago. I was in a restaurant having coffee, trying to write. Hanging out in public places to get my creative juices churning is a habit of mine. It's a Janus thing--looking inward as the outside world does what it does best.

However, I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness within me. It was as if I had an hourglass tucked in here, and all the sand had trickled through, weighing me down. It was hard to concentrate as I scribbled non sequitur sentences, as my eye would catch glimpses of couples strolling by. It's the kind of longing that's tinged with desparation, making you want to weep. And it's not directed at anyone in particular, nor can it be labeled as lust. I wasn't horny--self-stimulation would have been the easy way out of it, and I knew that that could wait until later.

On the way home in a cab, I fumbled for any memory of all the self-help passages I had read, and one thought rang the loudest. The human being is more spirit than flesh. The flesh is the vessel that the spirit controls, not the other way around. It was this thought that buoyed in my consciousness throughout the trip, slowly dampening my longing enough to get me to my computer. Hence, this blog entry.

I feel a lot better now, though my body still feels a bit of the tension. I just need to keep the spirit in control, and relegate the pangs of loneliness as a by-product of my humanity. I know there will be an opportunity for me down the line, and the needs of the flesh will be addressed. But I would like that moment to be nurtured by love, not dictated by lust. It's the least I could give my partner.

Gawsh... I hate it when I feel like this.

I saw the New York auditions of American Idol on the telly. One of the guys who auditioned was Nicholas Pedro, who bowed out from Round 2 last season because he couldn't remember the lyrics of "Buttercup."

It's the first time i saw him tonight, on TV, and...well...

I'm going to sound like a little girl by saying this but...

He's so cute I could cry. I am smitten. I haven't been this attracted to a guy in ages, darn it.

There... I said it! I wish he gets into the final 12, all the way to the finals, but there's a part of me that wishes he doesn't, only because it's going to be an ordeal watching him every week. Gawsh.

I'm going to collapse now.